A girl I once knew...

There are so many of you amazing girls out there, a lot of you will be dealing with all kinds of things. I could write and write. I do truly salute girls and women in today’s society as there are so many unhealthy pressures bearing us down, publicity, advertising, TV programmes, weight loss, looks, success, religion, cultures, and money. Do I fit? Don’t I fit? Am I loved? Am I accepted? What do people think about me? But the truth of it is that it’s all a distraction to take us away from how unique we are all meant to be! You have heard it said, “How boring would the world be if we were all the same?”. If we all looked the same, all weighed the same, spoke the same, had the same abilities! BORING! We are different for a reason. This is an understanding I had to grasp. Let me tell you about a girl I once knew.


There was a girl I once knew she was about 18 or 19, pretty (some would say) big character. She was popular. In with the in crowd, in with the out crowd, funny at college, was well liked, lived in a big house with a loving family. She was studying drama, so was a really good actress who could also dance and sing, she was brimming with confidence, doing well in life and seemed to have it all together.

Well bully for her some would think, and I would have to agree. But that would have been a girl I would have constantly measured myself up against and felt totally inadequate at the end of it, every time. However I could not have measured myself up against that particular girl because I was she!

I was all of the things above on the outside and I did totally appear to have my life all together, I was confident and bold, I was independent (although scatty at times) I was happy and sorted!

However I did say four little words whilst describing my younger days “a really good actress!”

I was a really good actress but unfortunately my curtains never really closed and my performance continued after the show was over, as it were! I was a really broken girl; someone once described it to me as a humpty dumpty. I was broken into so many pieces inside and I seriously needed some putting together, but first I had to break.

I was trying to function through life whilst dragging around a root of rejection and abuse! My worth was no bigger than a pea and I didn’t even know what it meant “to love yourself”! I thought girls that loved themselves were up themselves and I wasn’t going to be one of those thanks. I was TERRIFIED of not being loved and accepted and honestly believed that I would be left on a shelf. However I found confidence but unfortunately in all the wrong places, I got into drugs, drink, self harm and men in a desperate plea to find love and acceptance, I was going down a helter-skelter fast and eventually started to fight depression and thoughts about finishing it all. I planned it, went away but thank goodness I was too afraid to do it! I was put on a concoction of sleeping tablets and anti depression tablets and was surviving on little food and 20 plus fags a day. I lost weight and started to listen to the wrong thoughts that were entering my mind on an hourly basis:

What is the point of living?

I’m not good at anything.

I’m not as good as any of them at anything. I’m not worthy to be loved. I’ll never fulfil my dreams. I’m done.

I was faced with a choice, do I lie down and give up or do I stand up and fight?

My first breakthrough presented itself to me! I have a choice!

I chose life and all that came with the recovery that I needed. I stood up and said “enough” I started to recover (with help) and on and off it took years! But I wanted to get through and overcome, and I did! I was put into the recovery position and then the recovery room and eventually the ward!! I felt what I needed to feel, I dragged that stuff out from where I had buried it and I shared it with an amazing counsellor, I felt what I needed to feel, spoke what needed to be said (not all pretty!), shouted what I needed to shout, forgave who needed to be forgiven, embraced what needed to be embraced and let go of what needed to be released!

I put post-it notes around my house to recondition my mind with words of truth written on them about me and my life and spoke it out of my mouth on a daily basis to allow my head and heart to get into agreement! I reminded myself and spoke out whilst looking in a mirror that I am loved unconditionally and there is an awesome plan for my life! I told myself that I am no mistake and I am meant to be here, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that I will only ever be me so I learnt to embrace the girl that I am and all the gifting that I have been given to reach out to the next girl! I reminded myself that I am an overcomer and I will overcome.

Today I’m older (much teehee) I honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been, I still speak the truth over myself and over those I love, but I like who I am! I’m amazed when I think that only I have my fingerprint and there is only one of me on the whole of planet Earth!!!

And so I say again I salute all you amazing girls who are reading this blog, I’ve had some of the same battles that some of you may have and I’ve come through stronger than ever. I totally believe that if I can, then so can you, absolutely you can. YOU ALSO HAVE A CHOICE!

There is not another you on earth, you are special beyond belief, you are no mistake and so meant to be here for such a time as this, never give up, never give in, embrace the real you, the true you and stand up.

I salute you xxxxxx

Nicky x 

Lewis and Haase Queen